Death and the Dialogue of love. A Moment of Powerful Prayer
There was a moment I will never forget.
Likely you have had one like this too.
A turning point from which there was no going back.
A prayer. A commitment. One I did not fully understand at the time, but often think back to and am like
(Daaaaammmmnnnn. If only you knew 😅😅😅)
I was walking under the stars one night.
Alone.
But let me back up.
Six months earlier my youngest son had died, as a baby, a few days old.
It was the most devastating thing to experience, my fourth son, losing him at just a few days old.
All of my sons previously: the poster children of vital and healthy.
I grieved.
I lost my identity in the process.
(What a blessing).
I felt as though my confidence, my sense of self had been obliterated.
At times, I wanted life to end. Not that I ever would have taken action on this. It is simply that the grief was so heavy.
At the beginning I woke up shaking in the night, my body, so use to sleeping with a newborn on my chest the first few weeks, was looking for him in a state of total alarm.
I have written fairly extensively about this experience.
At the time we were living in a 26 foot long travel trailer, five of us and a cat who kept having kittens.
Building a home one the course of three and half winters.
Which we eventually finished a year after our son died.
Losing a child was one of the most intense initiations I have ever experienced.
Like all death, there’s no controlling what happens.
Except for the strange aspect that medicine has evolved to a place of being able to keep people alive against their will.
But I will save speaking to that moral conundrum for another time.
We eventually withdrew life support , our kids all around us.
And came home.
The physical experience of losing child was insane.
Like normal grief but with an added component of my body being so devastated and confused
I’m sure you can imagine
Most people have had experiences that were earthquake level on the emotional scale
But, what I really wanted to touch on today was how this experience and having the chance to come back to life renewed, changed me
I believe that we have these experiences because they are meant to help us grow and form us in the most beautiful way
Grief is like a powerful river that will shape us, just as water shapes rocks
Grief is like a powerful initiation into ourselves
And…it’s also a very natural part of life
Death is a part of life
And so much of that experience showed me what life has to offer us
The constant choice between fear and contraction
And love and expansion
//
I see it all the time, we all do
Especially in these times
The last few years have offered us so many opportunities to fear, contract, adopt beliefs that are paralyzingly, all consuming
Or to expand, love, move without fear, move with greater grace
I know if you ve read this far you’ve had big experiences like this in your life
And you’ve had these experiences shape you in beautiful ways
Andddddd you know that part of your gift of being human is simply you showing up and being you and giving all that you have to give in this life time.
“Simply” May not be the best word choice…
I know it can be hard
But what would happen in your life if you let go and let the real you shine through?
We are not designed to live in a contrived fearful state, but in one of expansion , joy and playfulness
We are..so much more resilient than we think.
So much more capable of connection, abundance, fun, and
Living
✨
The prayer I made? The words I said that night? That I sometimes laugh at myself for because of what was ignited within me?
I looked at the stars and spoke to God, and I said
“I’m back. I am two feet in, I’m alllllll in on living. I’m here for it all. Sign me up for this human experience.”
I felt warm and peaceful , calm and powerful, graceful and held, all at the same time .
✨